Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
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Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Sign of the day..
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
giddy up Office Depot
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
When someone says you are so lazy
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.