Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
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My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
The old gods are rising again.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.