If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
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3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I am HOWLING at this
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
😂😂😂
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove