Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
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It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶