Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Practicing safe sax
I have a type: disappointing