How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Now this is how you LinkedIn
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.