Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
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Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
The glory of fall.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.