Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
we’re gonna need another temp
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
The Sun
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.