Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!