Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
You Might Also Like
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
School be like
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does