Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.