Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
They’re the worst 😩
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Woke up with morning Yule Log