Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
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I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Lmao 🤣
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes