Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…