Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
felt cute might bury dad later idk
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.