@gavinspeiller: Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase "but there's a good chance I'm wrong about that"
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@5hael: My ceiling fan has three setting: - very slow - slow - I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident
@jimmytorosian: [Soldiers regrouping] Where's Jim? He went M.I.A. *Cut to Jim* ♫ All I wanna do *bang bang bang bang* *reloading noise* And shoot enemies ♫
@WilliamRodgers: TRUE STORY Just made this restaurant change its "All you can drink Brunch" Policy.
@CherBear162: Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like "WHY is this shit still here?"