Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
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Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
road rage
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??