Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
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Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.