@dafloydsta: Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
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@ojedge: Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement? GUY NAMED BARRY: "How about a barry?" GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: "How about a barrier?"
@michaelianblack: Now that my kids are getting older, I'm worried I'll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
@Book_Krazy: Boss: You're late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired Me: Well I didn't know! I ducked out early on Friday
@DanKCharnley: No matter what meal it is, always say you had "brunch" so people know how much better than them you are.