I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
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Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption