Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.