Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.