Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”