@HeyZeus666: Anyone who doesn't believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.
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@jake_likes_naps: *cops finds my loose floorboard* Cop: What's under here... *they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets* Me: I'd like my lawyer now.
@LoveNLunchmeat: I've been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
@decentbirthday: Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious