Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.