@HeyZeus666: Anyone who doesn't believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.
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@johnfreiler: my friend's apartment building burned down so he's at his parents' and he still won't hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
@truegritrumble: WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti? ME:Better. WIFE:Better? ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
@garrettbarry70: Super excited about staying at my daughter's place so I can eat her cereal and leave the empty box in her cupboard.
@BobTheSuit: Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.