You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
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He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.