Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
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Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My work here is don’t.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*