Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.