I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
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I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Did I do this right
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.