BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Why is everyone getting married at me
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?