Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Every time my phone rings
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it