Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
termite twitter scares me
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing