Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song