Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
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[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
lmaaaaaooooooooo
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Home #decor warning.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.