BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶