me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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When you’re here for the treats.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Social distancing in Australia:
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
christening a ship with an overripe banana