Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.