Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Who did it better?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo