Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?