I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
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church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Cucumbers Anonymous
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice