going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist