I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
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bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.