Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
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a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.