Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
become ungovernable
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese