ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices