Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
#math
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.