@delusions_of: Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says "another day in paradise".
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@XplodingUnicorn: [reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.
@JustDontBugMe: [on the phone with cable company] Me: how do I cancel my cable? Rep: first you go to our website and look for our FAQ section- *30 minutes later* Rep: -and then you have to steal the Declaration of Independence to get to the map on the back. The map will lead you to a clue-
@DaddyJew: Daddy can u get me a drink? "No, you're 5yo you can get your own drink" Fine *goes to fridge "While you're there can you grab me a beer?"