Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
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ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information