My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Yup!
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I am all good here, 😂😉
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Baller is short for ballerina