[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis鈥ut hotter because he鈥檚 folding laundry
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.馃ぃ
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don鈥檛 think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we鈥檙e having
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I鈥檓 the person.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[in the world of chess]
kings: here鈥檚 a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can鈥檛 even run straight
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
I’d … I’d rather not.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It鈥檚 Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
i am:
鈿笍 a man
鈿笍 a woman
馃敇 living in the year 2021looking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 a way out
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that鈥檚 why most people never start a successful business
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma鈥檃m, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I’m a lot like a wild Pok茅mon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how