[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
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I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?