anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Oh thanks BBC.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.