anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
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Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Buying a well is money well spent.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up