Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
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Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Help Wanted
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.